Thoughts

 I kinda wish that something different would happen, something that can change my miserable life. I want something to change, but I can't find a good reason to make that change. I can't look ahead- there's nothing in front of me; I can't look back because all the memories of you and I become scarier.

 I don't know, maybe there's something I'm missing, like my talents or whatever. Just right now, I don't wanna think anymore.

 It's fine to stop trying sometimes right? It's fine to give up because it hurts too much to continue?

Death (XIII)

I believe that in order to live life, you need to first be able to calmly look death in the eye and say,

"I'm not afraid." To me, the thought of my passing terrifies me. The fact that I feel that I haven't accomplished anything remarkable in my life is an even worse feeling yet I do nothing to change it. I'm paralyzed by the thought of my inadequacy.

Every morning I wake with the loss of something precious. It is as though every passing dream is taking with it a piece of my memory. My words are getting lost in the murk of my thoughts, and you are slowly vanishing from my sight. Yet, I still sit in front of this flashing screen, waiting for you to make your triumphant return. Though I know better.

I'm the only one that can help you out of this situation.

I mustn't let myself get bored. Any thoughts that come my way must be discarded, lest they interrupt my temporary solace. I need to exhaust myself so that sleep can release me from the confines of this world for just a little while. Yet, everyone around me ceases to struggle in the dark as I am. I can't look forward until I can look back and correct the mistakes of the past. Though, no amount of time travel could save me from the guilt I feel now.

There was a time where I considered the possibility that you and I had the same issues. We felt each other's pain and we resonated with it. I pondered visiting a doctor as you have to help with this issue. Though now I feel that you and I were completely different. You were a victim and I was a bystander. I guess the true problem was that no amount of medication could heal a broken soul.

I don't understand why you fear the class so much. I've been struggling to keep myself proper and yet they haven't picked up anything. Everyone only starts to care when it's too late. So, just come back. Maybe even on a holiday, just you and I, spending a day together as we would normally do in the school library.

Though, the lack of company is slowly draining away at my soul.

I like the solitude but I do want to talk with somebody- Somebody who can understand the things that I have to deal with and accept me for the person I am. I crave a simple intimacy, not a complicated small talk. You were my solace amidst the chaos. Now, I suppose there is no way to retrieve that past…

Until I begin to make my move towards you.

I'm looking for a life with meaning, something that will allow me to comfortably lay down my life for. You gave me a meaning, amidst the crowd discouraging me to make a person your reason for living. Writing was not something that I could be proud of. There were many who could outdo me and it really showed me that I shouldn't force something that can never be because...

"No amount of skill can compensate for a lack of talent."

Despite all these negative thoughts going through my mind, I genuinely desire a change. I want a way for me to fight the fate that was decided for me from the get-go. I want to see you again, and I want to tell you everything, even amidst my own insecurities. I won't make the mistake of fear again. Because an infinite fear is inferior to a shallow regret.

And I'm getting ready for a change.